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Post by JoshS on Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:07 am

(For areas that are underlined more than one word/sentence answers are expected)

Player Information
Name(You do not have to put a last name): Josh
Age: 32
E-mail:Brownshortsguy at gmail dot com

Character Info
First Name:Daniel
Middle Name:Ryan
Last Name:Sullivan
Position You Are Applying For: Damage Control Specialist
Gender: Male
Species: Human

Physical Appearance
Hair Color:Brown
Eye Color:Green
Physical Description: A genial Irishman from just outside of Boston, MA. He has straight brown hair and a fair skin tone. His ruddy face is always marked by a twinkling in his eye and a ready grin. He has a medium build just starting to show signs of getting stocky.

Father:James Sullivan 63 (Chief Petty Officer Gunners Mate Starfleet Retired)
Mother:Margaret Sullivan 61
Brother(s):Micheal Sullivan 26 (Lieutenant Helmsman USS Oriskany)
Other Family:None

Personality and traits
General Overview: Daniel is quick to tell a joke or a story and loves pulling practical jokes. His quick wit and easy going personality have shown him to be a valuable asset among the crew when the times get tough. He is well regarded by many officers of the fleet and a legend among the younger crew members. He is a hard worker and very loyal to his officers and crew. He has never been married, he has often joked that "He is married to Starfleet". He is most happiest when whatever ship he is on is exploring the far reaches of space instead of sitting in drydock.

Strengths & Weaknesses: He has a strong grasp of engineering fundamentals and can fix anything using his hands and his mind. He is loyal to those up and down the chain of command and is renowned for his teaching of junior officers and younger crew. He does, however, have his own way of doing things which may or may not be within the rules and regulations. He has a quick temper when angered and was once reprimanded on the USS Hancock for throwing a PADD at the Executive Officer.

Ambitions: Daniel has nothing else in his life besides Starfleet. He just wants to serve and is mostly happiest when there is a problem he needs to solve or getting his hands dirty.

Hobbies & Interests: An avid musician on the trombone he once bragged that back when he was on the USS Kennedy he did an impromptu duet with then Commander Riker when the Enterprise-E made a port call at DS9 while the Kennedy was having repairs done. He enjoys listening to music as well and has been known during night watches to play music over the intercoms of the engineering spaces.

Personal History:Danny (as he likes to be called) was born 2351 outside of Boston, MA. His father was away on a deployment on the USS McCain. When he 7 his father took him and the rest of his family on board the ship he was a Gunners Mate 1st class on and showed them around during a 3 day cruise around the Terran system. Danny wanted a career teaching history but the call of duty and many shots of Jameson led him to a recruiting station in Dublin and within a month he was at boot camp.

Service Record:
Graduated boot camp and Damage control basic school-2369
2369-2373-Crewman: USS Nagano NCC-1963 Miranda class advanced to Petty Officer 3rd and 2nd class. Served during the Klingon War, Battle of Sector 001, and early Dominon War battles.
2373-2374-Damage Controlman 2nd Class: USS Kennedy NCC-39678 Shelley class. Destroyed by the Dominion in the Tyria system.
2374-USS Malta NCC-43796 Mediterranean class. Destroyed by Dominion Operation Return
2374-2378 USS Forrestal NCC-5959 Excelsior class. Convoy Escort, Battle of Chin'toka, Battle of Cardassia. Promoted to Damage Controlman 1st Class.
2378-2382 Damage Controlman 1st class: USS Massachusetts NCC-63476 Nebula class. Cardassian Occupation and cleanup missions. Promoted to Chief Petty Officer
2382-2384 Chief Petty Officer: USS Hancock NCC-2089 Excelsior class
2384-2387 Chief Petty Officer: USS Belknap NCC-2501 Belknap class. Severely damaged during Borg incursion of 2385. Still undergoing repairs

Sample Post:

Chief Petty Officer Danny Sullivan was dreaming. In his dream he was out on a lake in the middle of New York state. The trout and bass were biting and in an ice chest was a bottle of Jack Daniels cooling in the refridgeration unit. He had just poured a glass and was leaning back in the boat just waiting for a fish to bite. He raised an eyebrow. What was that noise? He looked around. There was nothing but the lake and mountains around him. He heard it again. It sounded like a Red Alert alarm from a starship. "All hands man your battle stations!" Danny jerked himself awake. This was for real. He had fallen asleep at the Engineering Officer of the Watch's station, his feet resting on the console. He wasn't the EOOW, that was LTJG Donnolly and he was out checking the warp field matrix or plasma inducers or something like that. Danny had just turned over the Damage Control Officer of the Watch to Petty Officer Kot, good kid for a Bolian, and he had talked to LTJG Donnolly for a few minutes about crew evaluations since Donnolly was the Damage Control officer and therefore Chief Sullivan's Division Officer. When Donnolly had left Sullivan had put his feet up to read Donnolly's inputs in comfort and dozed off. He focused his eyes for a second and jumped off. He was no stranger to Red Alerts. This would make his 415th time in a Red Alert status in 18 years with Starfleet. He saw a fellow Chief, Chief Impulse Specialist Cronok a Vulcan. "Hey Cronok! What's going on?" he called from across the room beginning to fill up with crewmen. Cronok stopped and whirled around. "A Borg ship just entered the sector. We are preparing to engage".
"A Borg ship? Where did it come from?" Sullivan asked.
"I do not know but several other starships are on their way. I suggest you get to your station". he said in his monotone voice.
"Yeah, I'm going. Take care of yourself". He patted his shipmate on his shoulder and raced off to his station. His battle station was in Damage Control Central, a small room just off the portside fore and aft passageway 2 decks above Main Engineering. He entered to room to find his crew already there. He took the main chair from Kot who took up an adjacent console. From this room he would run the entire damage control efforts for the ship. "What's the word Kot?" he asked.
"All stations manned and ready. Repair parties manned and standing by. Repair 1 saucer section forward, Repair 2 saucer section aft, repair 3 main spine, repair 4 stardrive section repair 5 stardrive section aft of frame 89 and the shuttlebay. Fire suppression systems online and ready to go". He gave the Chief a quick grin and turned back to his console. Sullivan glanced around the room at the 4 other specialists and watched them as they plotted status updates and repair priorities. The ship shook from a weapons blast and Blanco, a young human female sang out "Direct hit!! Deck 7, sections 2 and 3. Repair 1 responding".
"Very well, tell them to make sure they have their breathing tubes on and their life lines. You open a hatch without knowing whats behind it and get sucked out into space your day is going to end real quick." All damage control parties are connected together by a line secured anything bolted down good. This rule came into place after ships were losing damage control teams because they would open a hatch not knowing that behind the hatch was no longer the ship but the void of space and get sucked out. The ship shook again and the lights flickered off and on.
"Status of Repair 1?"
Kot spoke up "Some minor buckling and the power is out. Shoring team has the buckling under control but the back up is out too so power is going to be out for awhile."
"Very well, reroute the power around the affected area"
"Aye sir"
The ship shook again a little more violently this time and a few of the crew were thrown out of their chairs. Sullivan fell forward and smacked his head on the deck. He slowly recovered and crawled back to his chair.
"What the hell was that? he yelled. The lights went out and the consoles went dark. All he could hear were the voices of the damage control team
"Get those lights back online", "I have no comms with the repair parties", "I have no comms with anybody!"
"Ok everybody shut up!!" Sullivan looked around as the room got quiet. In the dark he could still see features and he saw fear.
"First things first Kot, get those comms back I need to know what the damage control teams are up against. Send runners out if you have to. Second, Blanco reset the relays that should give us our consoles back. The rest of you just stay calm it will be ok Captain probably just hit the wrong button or something". The crew gave off a nervous laugh but the fear in their expression was gone. A few minutes later the consoles flickered back on. Sullivan got up and looked at the ship data display. It didn't look good. The ship had taken massive damage. The saucer section had major damage with many sections just obliterated including the bridge. The Stardrive was no better. The left nacelle was gone and the shuttlebay was served as a secondary triage center was caved in.
"Can you get me Repair 5?" he asked.
Kot spoke up. "No Chief comms are still down. I sent out runners to all the repair parties they should be back".
As soon as he said that a runner came in the door out of breath. "It's bad out there. I just came from Repair 5. Most of the aft section is gone. They have been dealing with fires. Fire main's out so they have been doing it by hand with extinquishers. They are down to 5 guys so far."
"5 guys? What the hell happened?"
"Stupid officer down there. That new Ensign, the shuttlebay officer. He comes out of the shuttlebay in a panic and orders McHale, the on scene leader to put out the fire in the shuttlebay first".
"Idiot, don't he know that you can just vent the shuttlebay and the fire will go out by itself".
"Right. So McHale takes his team into the shuttlebay and 2 of the shuttles explode and take out McHale and half his team"
"Jesus." Sullivan was no stranger to death but for someone to die for someone else stupidity.
"Comms back online" someone called out
=^= DC Central to bridge=^=
=^= Central this is LCDR Rainey the Operations Officer. The CO and XO are dead. What's your status?"
=^= Sir, I'm fine down here, but I got a repair team wiped out back aft and I have reports coming in from my other teams. They are getting tore up. Fires out of control on the main spine. I got crews trapped on the saucer section they can't get anywhere to put out the fires because the hull is comprimised.=^=
=^= I hear you chief, its bad. The Borg ship was destroyed but we took some losses. I am trying to get the engines back online so we can make it to a spacedock. Do what you can and report back to me. We may have to abandon ship but I would rather it not come to that=^=
=^= Aye sir=^=

"Blanco, get down to the engineering and ask the Chief Engineer what he needs. Kot, you take Smith and Pickett and take control of the repair team aft and get those fires under control. I'm going up to the saucer section and see what needs to be done up there. Ok let's go!"
The teams fanned out all over the ship and within 5 hours the engines were back online and the ship was limping back to Starbase 187. The crew of the USS Belknap was reassigned to ships all throughout the fleet.


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Post by Rena Markov on Thu Oct 11, 2012 8:59 pm

One glaring thing:
The Riker thing has to be cut or this character will be accepted as a Crewman Recruit. I'm sorry but it's unnecessary and to be blunt cheesy. It seriously detracts from the rest of the character, and having your character know or be around those established in canon is something that's really frowned upon. If you want to go ahead and register, this is something we can talk about in more detail via PM, but I'd suggest replacing it with a romance possibly? Or maybe a crewmember that he would serve with in the future that he became good friends with, or is memorable for some reason.

Otherwise, accepted with the rank of Chief Petty Officer. A little feedback for ya:

- The personal history section seems rather short for someone with such a long history in Star Fleet

- For service history, Daniel was apparently in every major military operation from 2369 to the end of the Dominion War? I'd suggest toning it down a little, or at least expanding on his experiences during these events.

- Ditto with the Borg encounter, while they're more active, they aren't making incursions so far as I know and being at the Battle of Sector 001 and then another Borg Battle is a little much, you could easily replace it with a Breen, or Pirate encounter however.

- Being a "legend" kind of takes your character into the realms of being a Mary Sue, it's just not that believable to be honest.

- Bootcamp isn't where non-commissioned officers/enlisted personnel in Star Fleet go. They actually still go to the Academy, but for enlisted specific courses.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad with all this, you're character is okay, it just had a few rough patches here and there, and you're sample writing is solid!

"We have noting to fear. Period. That's it. The end, we are invincible."- Franklin Roosevelt
Rena Markov
Rena Markov

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Join date : 2012-09-22

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Post by Danny Sullivan on Thu Oct 11, 2012 10:34 pm

No problem I love feedback!!! It has been a while since I wrote any type of fan fiction. I did a few stories back in high school when my only military experience came from watching DS9 and TNG and a few episodes of JAG. Now that I have been out in the world and have some experience it makes it easier. I was drawing on my experiences in the Navy when fleshing out the character. I saw lots of action during the Afghanistan and Iraq war, I did 4 deployments in 7 years. I spent more time out at sea then I did at home. For a while I was wondering why I even bothered paying rent in my apartment! I see what you mean though. I will work on it!!

Daniel Sullivan
Chief Petty Officer
Damage Control
USS Indefatigable NCC-14924
Danny Sullivan
Danny Sullivan

Posts : 68
Join date : 2012-10-11
Age : 38
Location : Virginia

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